Who are you?
You right there?
The one with short,
Wild black hair.
Are you the man
That was promised to me?
Or are you the one
Who'll set my heart free?
Do you hold
The special key?
The one that lets
My hope fly free?
Alas, you're not.
What a shame.
Oh well. Guess what?
I forgot your name.
What's that? Insult?
Oh, get a life.
Pray to the gods
You bring me no strife.
You are the one!
I remember it now!
You are the one
Who called me a cow.
Guess what, you bint?
You're out of luck.
Just go jump
In front of a truck.
I've had it up
To here with you.
So I will now say,
Adieu, adieu.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It was kind of amusing, and I actually enjoyed the rhyme--which, in this sort of lighthearted piece really can work quite nicely. Usually I'm very anti-rhyme, as it's easy for novice writers to get lost in an apparent imperative to rhyme. It really didn't feel forced anywhere here, though. Congratulations!
As it is, the beginning made me kind of wince; at first, I thought it was going to be one of those cliched, "Where's the man I'm supposed to love?" wistful and self-pitying pieces. I loved the humorous turn, but I think the beginning still needs work. Maybe overload it with that self-pitying wistfulness--allow it to make fun of itself?
This poem is kind of funky because it seems to switch between seriousness and a strange kind of lightheartedness... it's not quite humorous though, I'm not sure I really understand it.
Something about the way those last two lines are split bothers me. The like "The one with short" seems kind of... off? I think it's because of where the accents fall on the words, and the number of syllables. You have to pause to get the next line to "scan" correctly. The next stanza has the same kind of "waffled" syllable numbers.
Yeah, this would read better if you dropped the "I," in my opinion.
Most of the other lines suffer from the same problem. In my opinion, you need to lengthen your lines a little to give yourself some wiggle room. If your lines are going to be this short, your syllable counts, accents, and enjambment really have to be spot on. With longer lines you can fudge it a little, but when you're only working with two or three words it's imperative that you keep it short and sweet. Shel Silverstein is a master of this, I'm sure you've run into his stuff once or twice, so check it out.
Anyway, I think this could be a nice, lighthearted piece. If you made the first stanza match the rest in tone and either worked on making your rhythm a little tighter or expanded the length of your lines, you'd be well on your way. Thanks for sharing this with us.
This was overly simplistic, in my mind. The syllables were really short, the rhymes were real plain.
It's just too simple and "easy" of a poem. The story behind it isn't that interesting, and since all you are doing is telling it doesn't help the story out. This doesn't seem real serious.
My suggestion is read more poetry if you want to be a poet.
I thought that the rhyming was funny. The general ~storyline didn't say too much; presumably the person it's written about has a foul temper and just walks away when something bothers her, but then it doesn't really go anywhere. There doesn't seem to be much more to this poem than what's written; there doesn't seem much that's really poetic.
The second line here seemed like it was one syllable too long.